Hi. I’m Nica. And this is me, writing, typing, breathing and getting the cloud out from inside my head. 99.9% of the total human population don’t know me, but I figured, if I do want to make an impression on the world, I want to make it just by being me.
Again, I’m Nica. And this is me, smiling. Those circular cheeks I get and bright smile I share is a representation of everything that has to do with who I am. Who I will be and who I plan to be. There’s so much negative in this world that I can’t even figure how to balance it out in a single thought of help or hope. To be honest, if everything was balanced out, then I guess the world would be in total chaos - but not for my world. In a world where my thoughts run through a single track riding the VIP train, my world has God as the driver and my world would rather straighten out that chaos rather than succumb to the dead fishes that keep swimmin with the flow of the water - with the flow of society.
I’m writing because I’m thinking about a lot of things… a lot of bullshit, maybe? A lot of important things and a lot of —- things. I know only about 0.000001% of the Philippine population could and would choose to read this - what’s one thought from one girl compared to the thoughts of the high and mighty, right? One thing’s for certain though, I am high and mighty, in my own way. I have God in my heart and that’s as high as anyone could ever get - except if you smoke weed of course. Pun not intended.
So forgive me if my thoughts suddenly jump from one thing to another, like a painter suddenly throwing a jar full of turquoise paint to a white wall of nothing. Everything’s just so bare in my eyes right now that I want to give out words of anything to give color to everything.
I don’t understand myself either… I’m a girl who can balance out a lot of things. Introvert-ness and my social life. Coffee and beer. Books and magazines. Love and hate. Friendship and war. Friend or foe. Rock and RNB. But despite knowing that I’m too well-balanced out, I feel like something’s missing and something’s too much for me. I want to be good and yet I am. I know I’m bad and yet I want to be and not at the same time. I do wrong things that I know are wrong but I also know they’re good. I don’t understand myself. I remember getting in trouble a couple of years back and my dad asked me what kind of girl I am… and I couldn’t answer, not because I was shitting my pants and got scared but because - I don’t even really know what kind of girl I am.
It’s like I’m a mystery to myself that I’ve been trying to solve for the past 18 years of my life and I fear, won’t ever be solved. It’s like wanting to know but not wanting to know as well. Is what I’m doing really controlled by my thoughts and emotions or what I’ve been doing is just so I could do something? Do something out of my life… what I’m capable of doing. Passing out time and thinking “Hey, it’s okay… tomorrow’s going to come and you can find new ways to pass out time again.
I don’t get why money runs the world. Whenever I see poor kids down the street, I feel like stabbing myself thinking that the world is so unfair. I don’t deserve to be born to a world where I get free food and free allowance and free everything I want, that I get more wants than needs, and there are those people who have the option to kill just to get what they need, and yet majority of them don’t. I don’t get this logic, I don’t get money… I know those kids deserve more. Those old people dying of hunger out there deserve to be loved in a comfortable house with their grandchildren playing in front of them. Those kids deserve happiness and candies and play instead of mourning on the streets. If it was possible to ask God for one thing on my birthday, I would (in all honesty) give up everything I’ve had, and still have, I would give up my 19 years of living if it would be possible for people not to suffer anymore. I’m smart, I’m not dumb, I know that won’t happen - but if it could, then I won’t take back my words. I don’t get how a world full of love and happiness could create such hell for people who suffer everywhere, every single day. And I look at the smile I have whenever I have random moments of vanity and I say to myself - I WISH, I could share that smile to others, so that at least I’d know that for one moment in their lives, I effortlessly made them lift their cheeks up and show what’s brightly being honest behind that suffering face. I don’t know what’s wrong with me… but then again, I don’t understand myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for everything I have… but at the same time, I’m in pain for what I have that others can’t get.
I see freedom in a painted picture, or a look over the vast ocean where the sun would set and the waves are slowly pulling my body towards the shore. I want to lie in endless horizons forever and just be free and fly in my thoughts and the clear blue sky would calm me down and be enough to make me genuinely happy, but then again, I am. And then again, I’m not.
Sometimes I confuse myself. I don’t know what literature is. I don’t know how a brush could be so powerful as to influence the minds of those who have the power to influence as well and I never knew that color and sight could be a God-sent gift to one person already. We do not appreciate enough what we already have that others don’t. And we don’t use it enough, yet others do, and yet they don’t. Why must everyone take up so much space in their minds for one thing only and disregard the fact that - that could never be the case because in our world, our minds would never be enough for something as much as 1 thought. It’s scientifically impossible because as human as we are… our thoughts are the trenches of the ocean. Scary, dark, unexplored, with what wonders it could bring, so’s destruction.
If life and death are so necessary in this world, why make life if there’s only death waiting for them in the end? Is this about giving chances to people? To live a happy life and be happy? Is that chance even equally given to those who weren’t born with any choices? Just suffering and madness and the will to survive? I for one don’t think that we’re alive. I think we’re just here… standing and walking and breathing. I don’t think people are actually LIVING ENOUGH and see everything at one point and say there’s something terribly wrong with everything.
I’m a genuinely happy girl. I always am. That’s how God made me. And I plan to use His gift as a way of putting a streak of yellow sunshine to everything that’s black in the world today. Chinese and niggas. (LOLjustkiddin). But I know I can, so I would.
Hi, I’m Nica. And this is me smiling. And smiling is the only thing that I think is beautiful about me. It’s the only honest thing I could always - always give to someone and hope… that with the life God has given you, at least a Chinese girl, 18 years of age, impacted your life by making you smile despite of your problems, weaknesses and doubts in life. I hope you know that you’ve got a faithful friend in the form of me and I hope people realize that all I ever want is to make people happy.